


What have I done to you

by SinsAndTriggers



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, Flushed Feelings, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, OOC, Quadrant Vacillation, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Sadstuck, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, personality change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:52:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6738871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinsAndTriggers/pseuds/SinsAndTriggers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You never expected this. Never thought he would become that monster. That monster with the same body, same face. Same scent, same eyes. Same everything. It was driving you crazy. You needed him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

__

_"Awv, come on, chief. Its not as bad as it seems. And you promised me you vwould try, at least once. Remember?" Your voice broke the silence as his eyes looked up to you. They seemed to hold such intensity you almost felt bad. Almost. But nothing bad could happen, right?_

_"Oh... but, Cronus..." He was once again hesitant. As you expected, no way he could do this without hesitation._

_"Come on, I promise nothin' vwill happen to you. Im right here for you." You reassure him. And it was true. You would watch over him, or at the very least take him to his moirail. "Trust me. You trust me, right?"_

_He nodded, looking down at the object in his hands. "Yes, I do. I trust you." He looked up once again. "I will try, this once."_

_You couldn't hide your grin. "Great, chief. I'll showv you vwhat to do. Put it up to your lips...."_

 

Your voice faded as the memory slipped away and you jolted into consciousness. It lingered, as if it truly was spoken again. 'Put it up to your lips....' You hate those words. You hate that memory. You hate yourself for what you did that day. Nothing would be the same, and its all your fault.

You turned your best friend into the monster he is today. The monster he had been for... almost a full sweep. And its all because of you. You should have listened, damn it! Now, there wasn't anything to listen to. You took him for granted.

You stood, tossing the blankets away. Perhaps if you slept in slime again you would be free of the memories that haunted you at night. But then you wouldn't be suffering, not paying for your crimes.

A long, disturbed sigh left your chapped, dry lips. You hadn't showered in... god knows how long. Its been even longer since you last ate. Eating makes you sick now.

You made your way to the abultion block, or as the humans call it, the bathroom. You couldn't stand your royal stink anymore. It was nauseating, how could you sleep at night? Oh, right, you can't. Not often.

The water was cold. You never bothered to draw warm baths or showers anymore. The warmth would be comforting, like the ocean. Which was another thing you stopped doing- going to the beach was calming. The closest you got to the ocean now was when you were at your hive.

You slip into the water, not even bothering to shudder as the cold water seemed to nip at your sea-dwelling skin and gills. You were used to it now. You scrub at your skin mercilessly, drawing your royal blood occasionally. 

Hah, a 'prince'. What a bunch of shit. You're not of royalty, you can't be. You know you can't. Not after what you did to him. Him... He never left your rotted-out think-pan. But who could blame him? Certainly not you.

You believed you deserved to suffer, deserved to have who he was haunt you. The new him... It isn't him. It cant be, the him you knew and loved- maybe, just maybe in a not-so-platonic way- had to be in there. He had to be.

That sent the gears in your think-pan turning. Of course everyone tried snapping him out of it, but you gave up so easily. Too easily. Maybe, if you can show him who he used to be, if you prove he doesn't like this lifestyle, he would come back.

The thought sent a pang to your blood-pumper. It had been so long since you felt much other than depression, it almost scared you. But you forgot how to be afraid long ago.

The last time you felt afraid...?

Well...

It was the time he pulled a knife on you. He was clearly out of it, like he always seemed to be now, but it terrified you. He never carried weapons, not before. But not only had he hissed a threat to you, he cut your arm. Deeply too- he almost took off your entire fin. He told you to back off and you did, metaphorical tail between your legs.

That drove you further away from him, mostly out of fear for your life. But now...

You got out of the bathtub as fast as you could. Which, frankly, wasn't as fast as you once were. You didn't bother with a towel; you lived alone and there were no clean ones anyway. You had to call her. The troll that once made you cower with your metaphorical tail between your legs. 

Porrim Maryam. 

You hadn't spoken to her since she broke down at the start of the almost-sweep. And it was partially- okay, no, completely- your fault.


	2. Chapter 2

_It was Kanny's birthday. Not many showed up at Porrim's, but that was the plan. Kankri never liked parties, big ones or otherwise. He always complained and protested, but everyone could tell he had fun._

_Porrim had worried endlessly, making sure everything was just right for her moirail. She had noticed, along with the others, his increasingly shorter lectures- er, discussions- and frequent disappearances. Even she didn't know where he went so often._

_None of them noticed how much he truly changed._

_Kankri had stayed home that day. Of course he didn't tell anyone why, that wasn't any of their concern in his mind. You had been told to go get him, which you agreed._

_You walked to his hive, thoughts wandering over the past few months. Kankri certainly was different, coming over whenever you smoked. Hell, he occasionally joined you, always saying it was for 'research purposes'._

_You weren't sure if you fully believed it, there was some doubt, but this was Kankri you were talking about. He certainly wouldn't give in to addiction. His mind was too secure for that._

_You knocked on the door, but it opened with the slightest touch. That worried you. Kankri would never leave his door unlocked, much less so easily opened._

_You rushed in, looking about with wide eyes. The call of "Kankri" died on your lips as you took in the sight before you. Kankri's hive, usually so tidy and orderly you felt out of place, was messier than your own. And that was really saying something._

_"Kanny?!" You called frantically, then flinched with your earfins perked. Something- it sounded like a thunk and maybe a hiss?- came from upstairs. You rushed up the stairs without hesitation._

_Nothing prepared you for the sight before you._

_Kankri had just gotten up, looking at you with big, bloodshot, red eyes. And not his color, either. His eyes squinted in the light, looking over you. It was painfully clear what he had been doing just before._

_Weed. The room was saturated with that stench. A half-bag was on the floor next to a lighter and a bubbler. Just the sight made you want to either throw up or join him. Maybe both._

_It was heart breaking when he broke the silence that followed your unceremonious entrance._

_"Oh. Hey." It was clear he didn't remember your name at the moment. But the look on his face said he recognized you still. That was good. Right?_

_"Uh... Hey, chief, you... evwery thing okay?" God, you really were stupid! Of course it wasn't! Kankri was stoned- thankfully not as bad as you got, but this was still bad!_

_How had you not noticed? How hadn't Porrim notice? How long had this been going on? What-_

_What was in that bag? What was he smoking so carelessly? You needed to know who his dealer was, to make sure Kankri was as safe as he could be with this-_

_No, you needed to stop this._

_"Yes, I am fine..." His speech clearly showed how bad he was. He walked over to you with a slight stumble. You watch him wearily, the smell starting to get to you. Maybe just five minutes, right?_

_"Vwell..." Fuck, why were you here again?_

_"Join me, Cronus." You took pause; he remembered your name? A smile appeared on your face._

_"Of course, chief." Wait, what did you agree to? He pulled you back to where he had been siting before. Oh. Right._

 

_By the time you two were done, you could barely remember your own name. You were leaning against him, about to fall asleep, before he broke the silence._

_"How's Porrim?" How had he remembered her name...? Oh shit-_

_"Ah, vwe'vwe gotta go t'er place-" you stood, pulling him up. Good thing you walked here, you could never drive in this state. He followed without question._

_It took another five minutes, and you knew the two of you were desperately late. Porrim would have your neck, but wouldn't she have anyway? At least you were bringing him to her._

_Porrim practically engulfed him in a hug when you opened that door- a good sign- then froze. A bad sign. She looked up at you, eyes narrowing. Very bad sign. You decided you weren't getting out alive._

_"What happened?" It wasn't even really a question, more of a statement. Still, you wanted to back off from her._

_"Ah, vwell... me an' Kanny kinda..." You trailed off, unsure what to say. Unfortunately, Kankri had spoken up._

_"We had a bit of fun-" He nodded up at her, and the saddest look crossed her face. And- wait, those are... are those tears? She was crying?_

_Just as the thought that you would get off clean, she looked up at you with a scowl that almost made you piss your pants. Almost._

_She pulled him into the hive gently, then yanked you in rather roughly. Figures, she wouldn't do a thing to harm her precious moirail. You realized he pretty much sold your soul to the devil when he started his moiraillegance with her._

_She led the two of you into the room with the others, whispering something to them before dragging you along to another room of her hive. You didn't know the layout very well; you never bothered to memorize it. It looked like the room she made the clothes which, in your opinion, looked so much better on the floor of your respiteblock than actually on a troll. The scowl on her face was enough to tell you to keep your opinion to yourself._

_"What is wrong with you?!" She hissed, and you shook. She was definitely **not** happy. But who could blame her? In her eyes, her moirail was forced into getting high with his lowlife highblood friend. Which didn't exactly put you in the best light. Not to mention she could decide to 'accidentally' drink too much of your blood at any moment, so that just added to her scariness._

_You would so pail her._

_Oh. She was going on. You figured you should probably listen to her, so she didn't kill you. Well, hopefully. "How could you get him high? You know how he feels about that!" Oh... she didn't know? Should you tell her? Screw it, you are._

_"Hey, Por, listen..." She went silent, waiting for you to explain yourself. Her scowl never left. "Me an' Kan occasionally smoke...?" It came out more unsure and intimidated than you would've liked, but who could blame you? You were scared shitless of her! And her growl- no, more like very angry hiss- didn't help that._

_"What?" She had crossed her arms, eyes narrowed to slits as she leaned forward. Not a good sign. You knew you weren't getting out of this alive._

_"Vwe sometimes get tagether an 'ang out..." You were surprised he hadn't told her. Isn't that what moirails do? Eh, it doesn't matter._

_"And by 'hang out' I think its safe to assume you get high." Her tone made you feel so guilty. Well, guilty-er. She was accusing you and you found you didn't much appreciate it. Not that it mattered, if you're honest. She didn't care._

_"Vwe." You corrected, much to her displeasure. You were treading on thin ice, but you didn't care. "Vwe get 'i." You didn't realize how bad you were before. Not to mention you couldn't keep your mind on her._

_She went silent before getting out of your personal space. Your fins perked as you heard someone run down the hall. You couldn't see who, nor did you hear what they said, but Porrim's eyes widened and she followed them back to... wherever._

_You later found out that Kankri had found some booze and drank quite a bit on top of the weed you two smoked earlier. He had started a fight, punching Damara in the gut and almost stabbing her when she tried hooking up with him again. Porrim took him up to her room, quarantining him for the day. She sent everyone home, apologizing profusely as they left. She didn't even look at you when you left. She had been crying later that day._

_That was the day she realized what was happening. Not to mention you and the others. The others there made quick gossip, spreading the word halfway across Beforus. Not many things like this happen with Kankri, so it was something to talk about._

_That was the day you vowed to stop smoking._

_That was the day before Kankri cut his moiraillegance with Porrim._

_And it was the day you realized what you had truely done to your friend._


	3. Chapter 3

_It had been three weeks since Kan had broken up with Porrim. He had been missing ever since. Porrim went out countless times to search for him. She hadn't been successful._

_You had been in your hive, feeling pretty useless. Your hive had been torn apart as you searched for something to help. So far you hadn't found anything._

_You were draped across the couch, dozing off. Your fins perked up when you heard a faint knock on your front door. "Come in.." You called, not bothering to get up. Whoever it was could come in themselves._

_The sound of the door slamming shut jolted you from your almost-sleep. You sat up, an irritated groan leaving you._

_Your eyes widened when you saw your missing friend in your doorway. He was clearly stoned. What happened to him? He was completely disheveled, hair a mess. His eyes were dark, and there were ominous circles under them._

_"Kan...?"_

 

 

"Hello...?"

Her voice was quiet. She sounded tired, but who could blame her? She hadn't been the same since Kankri broke their moiraillegance. 

"Hey, Por..." The sound of your own voice astounded you. You hadn't heard it in cod knows how long. You could hear the tired sigh on the other end.

"What do you want, Cronus?" She didn't even use your last name, which astounded you further.

"I wvant to get Kan back." The determination you hoped for didn't work. You could hear the uncertainty make your voice waver. 

"How?" Her voice- now so weak and timid- suddenly got so much stronger. It almost made you scared of her again. "He's gone, Cronus. He's gone, and its because of you!"

You couldn't deny it; that hurt. Even if it was true, it just made you angrier at yourself. Your eyes wandered down to your arms. Ugly, jagged violet marks danced across unhealthily pale skin. 

"I havwe to!" You couldn't hide the raw emotion from your voice. You've had it, you couldn't take the guilt and the regret weighing you down. You knew Kankri was like this because of you, and you needed to fix it. "Just tell me vwhere he is..." You sigh, closing your eyes.

"I don't know, Cronus." Her voice was quiet, hurt. "He doesn't talk to me anymore, remember? He doesn't talk to anyone."

It was true. Kankri pretty much ignored all his old friends, Porrim and yourself included. It hurt, yeah, but you thought it didn't hurt as much as knowing you were the culprit, the cause.

You knew what you had to do.

"...I'm goin' to his hivwe. I'm goin' to vwait for him for as long as I need to. I'm goin' to fix this, Por. I'm goin' to bring Kanny back."

You hung up, not waiting for her reply.


	4. Chapter 4

_It had taken quite a bit of coaxing to get him here, and now you two were sitting in an awkward, heavy silence that seemed to weigh down on your shoulders. He kept looking from you to his hands, where your favorite item besides your guitar rested. It was clear he was skittish, and you decided to be the good friend and help him out._

_"Awv, come on, chief. Its not as bad as it seems. And you promised me you vwould try, at least once. Remember?" Your voice broke the silence as his eyes looked up to you. They seemed to hold such intensity you almost felt bad. Almost. But nothing bad could happen, right?_

_"Oh... but, Cronus..." He was once again hesitant. As you expected, no way he could do this without hesitation._

_"Come on, I promise nothin' vwill happen to you. I'm right here for you." You reassure him. And it was true. You would watch over him, or at the very least take him to his moirail. "Trust me. You trust me, right?"_

_He nodded, looking down at the object in his hands. "Yes, I do. I trust you." He looked up once again. "I will try, this once."_

_You couldn't hide your grin. "Great, chief. I'll showv you vwhat to do. Put it up to your lips and I'll light it for you."_

_He nodded slowly, bringing the bubbler to his lips. It was obvious he didn't know what to do, but that was okay. You could teach him everything. You took hold of your lighter, lighting the area the weed was sitting almost innocently. He almost pulled away, but you placed a hand on his shoulder to ease him._

_"Suck in till I tell you to stop." You didn't mean for it to sound that way, but honestly. How else were you supposed to phrase this shit? This wasn't kindergarten. You cant sugarcoat smoking weed. As much as you would if you could._

_The popping of the bubbler filled the room as he did as instructed. He had shut his eyes tightly, as if he expected to get culled or something. Which is the one thing you would never do. You would never cull your best friend and- dare you admit it?- secret flush. Not that you would admit that, what with his celibacy and all._

_You saw him loosing air fast. His ears tilted back against his head as he tried fulfilling your instructions. You should probably save him; you doubt the redness of his face is just the weed._

_"Pull off, but keep the smoke in your mouth. Don't open it or breathe out just yet." You instruct, pulling the violet bubbler from his lips. It had been a present of sorts. One you bought yourself to celebrate your hatching day. Needless to say, no one showed up. Then again, you never actually_ told _anyone, so it was your own fault. You stubborn ass bastard._

_He held it for a surprising amount of time. Or, then again, maybe not. He seemed to have much larger lungs, based on his lectures. The man can talk for hours. Well, until he hits around the two and a half to three hour mark. That's when he starts stuttering because he's run out of things to say. Of course, only you and Porrim know; no one else bothers. And that infuriated you. Just because he was passionate about his speeches people left before he hit the two minute mark._

_He coughed out quite a bit of smoke out. You couldn't help it- you whistled in awe. Not bad for his first time. Kankri doubled over, coughing almost violently. You hit his back, trying to help out. You don't want the man dying._

_When he had his breathing situated, he took another drag. He did much better this time around, and he didn't double over again. You couldn't help but feel proud of him. "Good job, chief! You did much better than I expected! Nowv, try this. Its a much better type, one of my favworites..."_


	5. Chapter 5

You push open the door to his hive, looking around. This place held so many memories it almost made you want to cry. The memories were both good and bad, even if the place seemed so foreign now. It was never cleaned, it looked... deserted. Like no one lived here.

You hoped that wasn't the case. 

You coughed lightly, the air stale and dusty. You opened some windows, opened the curtains. Might as well make the place a bit more hospitable while you waited for him. You looked down at your arms, the overwhelming desire to butcher them again driving you crazy. No, you can't give in. Not when you're so close.

You sat on the couch, coughing as a cloud of dust rose from the faded, worn red cushions. The color only you and Porrim knew he hated. The color you adored.

 

 

_You stared at the smaller troll with wide eyes, fins torn between perking up and pinning back with surprise. He had just told you he broke his vow. The vow he cherished, the vow he protected. You always assumed he would die before breaking it. To think- his hue in a bucket, another's slurry mixing with it..._

_It made you sick._

_It disgusted you, and it was pure jealousy making you feel that way._

_You wanted it to be you. You wanted him to break that cod-forsaken vow for you. You wanted his slurry mixed with your royal violet shade; together it would make a tyrian hue, a prince or princess, an emperor- or empress-to-be._

_And to top it off, he looked so damn smug. Like he **knew** of your internal struggle, like he enjoyed seeing you crushed. Of course, you knew you were over reacting, but still..._

_"Vwho..." You gulped, "Vwho vwas it? Vwho'd you break your wvowv for?" He thought back, a look of contemplation crossing his features. You wanted to cry, you hadn't seen that look in who knows how long._

_"I don't know their name, but they were a rustblood." The way he threw that phrase out there like it was nothing was sickening. His first time, and he didn't even know who it was!_

_It was enough to make you sick._

_...You needed a drink, you decided. A long one, to forget this. Is that what had happened? Had he been drinking again, and pailed some rustblood? Why couldn't it be you?_

_"Howv'd it happen?" You realized that sounded wrong, perverted. Almost as if you wanted to know the details. Which, granted, you did, a bit, but still! "I mean decidin' to break your wvowv for this... rustblood." You almost growled the last word, not that you were against lowbloods, some of- well, most of- your friends were lower hued._

_"Oh, I had been thinking-" You almost hoped for him to say a speech, add triggers, be himself. But you knew it was wishful thinking._

_You knew better than to hope for that now. "...How much I **hated** that vow. I mean, celibacy? Really?" His response threw you for a loop, your eyes widening. "Nobody else is celibate, and its against troll culture to be celibate. I want to live, I want to be a troll, Cronus. And now I am. I'm finally living!"_

_Your blood-pumper sank so fast it hurt. It physically hurt. This... thing was not your friend. He may look the same, inhabit the same body, but its not Kankri. He may smell the same, mostly, and look the same, but he's not. He never will be. You needed him back, the Kankri you knew._

 

 

You snap awake, almost jumping off the couch you had apparently fallen asleep on. Your fins flared forward to try to look intimidating, as you had no idea who just slammed the door open and you couldn't identify certain scents in this stale, dusty air. In retrospect, it was a stupid move, but really, you were still half asleep. 

Your fins pinned back when you saw the familiar short figure stumble his way into the room. His hair was disheveled, eyes dark and bloodshot, and now that you could smell relatively better with his closeness, he had stopped by a few bars on the way. 

Your mouth was paralyzed, unable to form proper words. Good thing you didn't need to.

"Cronus...?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be slightly different, I feel like in order to progress the story better I need to add a chapter in Kankri's point of view. There will be very few chapters like this; if there are more I will add a note to the beginning telling so.  
> Also, thank you to krabkri for commenting, I appreciate the feedback.

You placed the blunt down, a twisted chuckle passing your lips. You looked down at the lovely looking oliveblood making her way between your legs. She had helped you out before, on multiple occasions. This bar was one of the only places you could smoke and drink without issues; you loved it here.

She was a regular here, or, you were. You came here almost every day, sometimes you never left or you left with one of the employees. She was often the one bestowing you in good attention, mostly to the places deprived of it the most. She knew how you liked to be handled, and she did well. She didn't mind your smell or your filthy blood.

Something about olivebloods made you horny as hell. Them and highbloods between violets and fuchsias, but you dont see much of them around here. Mostly because they're almost always seadweller, and they detest lowbloods. And you, well, you're barely a troll at all.

It never occurred to you how short your life already was, nor how you were making it so much shorter with your new lifestyle. No, that thought never thought your think-pan, rotted as it may be.

Instead, you were focused on the way your lovely oliveblooded slut unzipping your pants. You didn't bother helping her out much, save for lifting your hips the slightest bit. She pulled them down, immediately setting to work on your swollen nook. 

The way her tongue lapped at the outer lips just turned you on more. You let a moan slip your lips, spurring her on. She knew not to touch your bulge, not yet. A smile appeared on your lips. You trained her well.

She was exceptionally well at eating you out, and you always held high hopes for her. She knew you loved seeing her face flushed that gorgeous olive hue, face deep in your mutant colored nook. It was one of the reasons you loved seeing her. Your bulge wraps around her curly horns, constricting and rutting itself on the bone. 

Red smeared on her face and horns, and you'd be damned if you didn't find that olive-tinted, red-painted face eating you out in low cut clothes- so low you can see her rumble spheres, and those are in no way small- incredibly hot.

She reached a hand up, wrapping her slightly slender, but in no way boney, fingers around the hilt of your bulge- pressing against the folds of your sheath like she knew you loved. She rubbed just around the base, enticing a slurry moan from you.

She stays like that, pumping your bulge while probing you with her tongue, occasionally running her fangs carefully along your slit, sitting under your table like the slut she is, reducing you to a moaning mess in minutes. The best thing is no one can hear you over the incredibly suggestive music, the sound of glasses clinking, the shouts and laughs of other customers. And even if someone did hear you- or see you for that matter- they wouldn't care.

She's gotten so good from when you first got her, its mind blowing. You're already apporaching your end under her calculated movements. Your bulge does a half-curl, a thing it does to show you're close without having to vocalize it. You cant see but you can tell she's smiling now, determined to get a taste of your mutant slurry. She's so set on tasting it every time you see her, its like she's your personal sex toy. You love it.

She drilled her tongue into you, squeezing your bulge at the same time, and thats it, you're gone. You plunge into the blissful oblivion you love so goddamn much and you're spilling, red coating her face and hands. Some of it gets in her hair, on her horns, and you can hear the slurping sounds as she licks as much as she could off you first. You're always first. She's such a dear.

When she pulls off you, you're completely cleaned of your mutant material. You cant say the same about her. Her hair is already clumping with drying material, and her horns are bright red and glistening in the compromised light. She looks so fetching on her hands and knees in front of you, its almost enough to get you aroused again. You pay her off, though she seems reluctant to take it, like the slut she is for you and your bulge. Well, nook mostly.

You pulled your pants back on and finished your drink. You pocketed the bag of weed and the blunt you abandoned earlier. She stood, and gave you a smile. You couldn't help but return it. You whisper into her ear that you'd be back soon and to wait for you. She nodded, of course.

You think she may be feeling some sort of concupisent romance for you.

You wave that notion off as you leave the building. After thinking for a moment, you decided to make your way home. At least you knew the way it was, you weren't completely out of it.

Yet.

You entertain this thought, along with a few others, as you walk- well, more like stumble, honestly who are you kidding?- back to your hive. You were in the middle of remembering one of your 'sessions' with that lovely oliveblooded slut of yours- how willingly she had wanted you back at her place, wanting you to fill her with your thicker-than-most bulge, beging for it with whines and whimpers- when you burst rather unceremoniously into your own home.

You didn't hear the intruder in the living room, who had all but jumped across the room. No, instead you made your way into the very room. You stopped short a moment or two after noticing the seadweller, the seadweller who looked like he was just about to cry. It was... sickeningly pitiful to see. Not to mention you weren't expecting him to be here.

"Cronus...?"


	7. Chapter 7

You fought the violet tinted tears threatening your dulled eyes. Kankri looked horrible, and you know he's that way because of you. This is all your fault, all of it, Porrim was right. How can you get your friend back? You don't feel red for this... thing.

If anything, your red feelings turned black. And you don't want that. You don't want him your kismesis. You want Kanny back, you need him back. You can live without him as your matesprit, you know you can. You just can't live with him like... this.

You snap out of your stupor, hearing him utter your name in a questioning manner. When was the last time you heard him say something? You weren't even sure anymore. The last time you saw him was a good few weeks ago. You had gotten clean way before then, maybe you can convince him to as well.

Before you can begin your discussion- okay, who are you kidding? Lecture- he cut you off with a raise of his right hand. You pause, curious as to what he was going to do. He reached into the pocket of his overly large coat, covered in red stains. You prefer not to think about what they are.

"Come here to hang out again? Its been a while." He pulled out a bag of weed and a blunt, then another small bag. What was that? You looked at it closely, curious. It looked like... crystalline meth. Just the thought of meth made your fins shiver and your blood-pumper pound. Just a bit, then- no, focus! You're here to stop him, not join him again.

"You haven't been around often, I've missed you. Why don't you come over anymore?" His dull eyes pierced you, seeming to see through you, to your soul. You shudder. "Its like you don't like me anymore..." You could hear the hurt in his voice.

He... didn't remember?

Apparently not, by the way he was staring at you, expecting an answer from you. You were playing a dangerous game, and you knew you couldn't mess it up. So you do the best thing in this situation.

"Heh, sorry chief. I'vwe been... busy." You lie. His eyes searched you, searched your soul. You almost cave right then, he knows. You know he knows. He has to.

"Oh... I understand." You freeze. What? You blink a few times, biting back a sigh of relief. He believed you. Kanny took a few steps forward. "You can make up for it now!" You didn't even know it was possible to sound so hopeful while being so commanding. Just another amazing thing about him. You'd feel redder if you weren't seeing so much black.

...No. Its not just black. You never realized you could feel three shades at once, but its possible; you see black, yes, but there's some pale in there. Not to mention the remains of your red feelings. You are a sad, sad excuse for a troll, you decide once again.

He's staring at you expectantly, and you can see the forming of a smirk on his lips. The lips you wanted to bite and kiss at the same time; can you even quadrant flip like this? Is there a quadrant for this? A black heart? Maybe a red spade. You shake your head, clearing your almost sinister thoughts. They won't get your friend, your flush crush, back.

His face fell, his gaze hardening. You figure he took your head shake as a no to his demand. Which, in a way, it partially was. You shiver, knowing what he can do when angered. "Listen, chief, you gotta get clean." 

Before you could utter another word, he growled.

"What?"

...This is going to be harder than you thought, what with your metaphorical tail tucked permanently between your legs like the coward you are.

"I-I..." Shit. You didn't mean to stutter, and you saw him smirk like the cocky, stoned bastard he is. Cod, you hate him. You hate him so fucking much. You want to take him by the hair, you want to slam his face into the wall, or kick him, or punch him, or-

You want to kiss that asshole, maybe push him against the wall. You want to touch him, hands not-so-gentle down his body, claiming it as yours. Your territory, your... kismesis? To hell if you know anymore.

Maybe..

Maybe that's the kind of treatment he needed, to get him back.

"What's wrong, Cronus, not goin' to finish your thought? I thought you had something to say." He's taunting you. He knows it too. You know he knows; that smirk wasn't there before. It was dominant, knowing. He knew what he did to you, how he made your blood-pumper flutter and your blood boil at the same time.

"I thought you were an almighty seadweller." You narrowed your eyes. "Too bad." A small growl escaped you. It was an accident, but he merely smirked wider, narrowing his own eyes. "To think, a violet being out-witted by a lowly mutant, by someone not even on the spectrum. What would the Orphaner say, hm? To know his descendant was bested by the one of the Sufferer? My my. Imagine, your mighty ancestor being bested by mine."

He knew that struck a chord with you. You don't care if you're made fun of, taken advantage of. But he knew how you **hated** anyone talking about the others of your bloodline. You don't really know what came over you, but you slammed him against the wall. His smirk only fell when he heard your growl, low enough he couldn't hear it unless he was this close.

He knew he pissed you off, beyond anything he's done before.

You lean into his ear, all but hissing. "You listen, Kankri, and make sure you file this in that rottin' think-pan a' yours. I don't care if you decide to trample all ovwer me. I dont care if you hate me, kill me, torture me. I don't care if you use me. But you **nevwer** talk about my bloodline, about the Orphaner or Eri. You feelin' me?"

He was glaring at you, and you bite his ear. After hearing a satisfying yelp, you pull back. You tasted mutant blood, and you felt horrible and ecstatic at the same time. You don't know what's wrong with you, why you were acting this way.

You chalk it up to loathing and hating yourself.

"You're goin' to get clean. I'll make sure of that. I'll make sure you get your depressin' ass off the ground, and do somethin' actually useful. You're goin' to go back to the vway you vwere before, to the you you vwere. You're goin' to get your vworthless ass up, clean yourself up, and be useful to evweryone. If not, than for me. You understand?"

Before he could respond with any more venom, you dig your nails into his shoulders and kiss him.


	8. Chapter 8

You pace about your hive, grumbling loudly to yourself. Ever since your little "conversation" with Kankri you've been extremely irritable. You chalk it up to stress. It's just safe to say you won't be seeing him around for a while. 

Why can't he see what he's doing to himself? Why can't he see you're trying to **help** him?

Your blood boils in your veins. You can't help it; something about the "new" him just makes your teeth grit and your fins pin back.

This kind of feeling isn't healthy, for either of you. You might hurt him on accident- or the other way around.

You just want him back, you want his lectures and his triggers and his constant turn-downs when you ask him for a chance or try flirting with him. You don't want to feel this black hue for him. You want to feel completely horn-over-heels flushed for him, even if you know he would never give you a chance.

Porrim had gotten quite the earful when you called her. She was stunned; she barely said a word, just let you rant to her. That little call wound up ending in you crying over the phone. It... Wasn't your best of times.

But no, your regrets had been cried out and now you feel like an empty shell. A shell composed of pure rage and hatred. You know this isn't healthy.

Neither are the jagged violet marks dancing along your arms and thighs, blood barely even dried along them, sealing them up. As much as you seemingly hate him, you hate yourself so much more.

Perhaps you only think you're feeling black for him, when really you're feeling black for you. It... kind of makes sense, if you really think about it. You hate yourself so much you're subconsciously putting that hate on your best friend.

You realized then you both had changed.

That anger that had been boiling in your veins died. It was like dousing it in the salty ocean water you used to adore. Instead, it was once again replaced by guilt and desolation. You really are a despicable person.

 

 

_You let go of him, a look of pure shock on his face. He doesn't know how to react. Good. You smile, a crooked, twisted smile, showing your razor-sharp shark-like fangs. You turn before he can recover his wit, unable to hide your pride._

_You finally regained something._

_You were almost out the door, practically able to taste the fresh outside air. Your gills had been trying to filter the dusty, stale air for... you're not really sure. Too long, that's for certain. You almost hum. That is, until you hear a hiss behind you._

_"What the fuck was that, Ampora?" You can feel the waves of anger rolling off him. If you knew better, you wouldn't have said they felt black. No, instead they were just angry. No black from him; he wasn't and probably never will be interested._

_You turn around, facing him with a scowl. "And vwhat do you mean by that, Vwantas?" You can't help the hiss from your voice. If he wasn't the way he was, you know he would've lectured you._

_He approached you, drawing his adorably small figure up as much as he could. Aww, look at that, he's trying to be intimidating._

_...You would never admit it, but he kind of is. ___

_He leaned forward, closer to you than he already was. It's amazing how fast he seemed to get when angered. You guess it's a sign the old Kankri is in there somewhere. "You know what. What was with that kiss?" He hissed, making your fins pin back and you lean back._

_Your ego, however, won't take that. You draw yourself up, practically towering over him with your fins flared out. He's not fazed. That's okay. Your words are like razors, cutting through the air as you hiss right back at him._

_"Vwell maybe someone actually **cares** about you, you ingreatful lowblood." You know the 'lowblood' part isn't necessary; you just can't help yourself. "Maybe I vwant you back, and not this thing you are nowv."_

_His eyes widen just a bit, and you leave. There's nothing you can do at this point, not now. Not while the blood is pounding in your fins, boiling in your veins. You might accidentally hurt him, and the way you two are going you probably wouldn't regret it. Much._

 

Later that night you called Porrim. She answered on the second ring. Sensing something happened, she asked quietly, "What happened, Cronus..?" You could hear the hesitation. Her instincts are amazingly honed, even over the phone.

"I... I told Kanny I vwas gonna get him clean no matter vwhat..." You didn't want to tell her the second part, but she unsurprisingly knew you were keeping something from her. How does she do that?

"And..." It wasn't a question. She wanted you to tell her everything, so you did. You started from the beginning, Porrim being quite silent as she took it all in. Unlike her, you can't tell what she's thinking. You're crying by the time you finish, and you can't even tell if she's angry you kissed him or not.

She promised she would meet up with you at your place at a later time. You can't help but agree, violet tears drying in their tracks. You hang up, glaring down at your arms. You get up, heading into your respiteblock. You dig around before grabbing your razor. Might as well do something productive with anger once again boiling in your veins, right?


	9. Chapter 9

Bright, shining eyes stare up at you, silently begging you for more. Your hands aren't too gentle, your touches being just rough enough to let him know who's in charge here- you. You're careful though, above anything, because you still care about him and subconsciously you would never hurt him.

You rub your slightly-worn, rough fingers along his grubscars; he mewls and purrs his pleasure to you, wordlessly begging for more. Your fingers slightly scratch the sensitive patches, not too roughly, but with just enough pressure to be more pleasurable than if you hadn't constantly played guitar. 

You lean down, placing open-mouthed kisses down his neck, each with a varying pressure and roughness. He manages a high-pitch chirp of approval, tilting his head to expose more to you. He knows you wouldn't hurt him, and that's one of the main reasons you can get him to fall apart like this.

He keens to you, softly, just loud enough for you to hear. You're the only one that can entice sounds like this from him. You swell with pride at the thought. Your hands slip lower, down his sides to his hips and navel. He's no Sollux, or Mituna for that matter, his thighs slightly more round than the rest of his legs, his hips slightly wider than he wants to admit- to you or otherwise. 

He's a plush, his stomach slightly pudgy, arms a bit thicker than his non-existent strength called for. You pity him so deeply, such a deep shade of red. Red like that sweater Porrim made, laying somewhere forgotten on your floor. You unzipped his leggings, snug around his curves, down slowly, enjoying making him whine and chirr at you without actually begging you.

You pull the offensive article of clothing off, tossing them to some unimportant spot on your floor. He flushes bright scarlet, knowing full well he's exposed to you and at your mercy. You take in the sight of him in this flustered state, smirking. His bulge is unsheathed, bright red and almost offensive if you actually cared about his blood. His nook was swollen, pulsating slightly as it searched for something, anything. Red dribbled down from between his legs, smearing his thighs, his stomach, the sheets...

Your own bulge presses against your pants, uncomfortably tight and hot. Too hot. You begin stripping, exposing your own body to him. You're by no means Kurloz or even Horuss, but you're still muscular to the point it should be noted. You're slim but fairly strong, a swimmer's body they say. You chalk part of it up to being seadweller; the other is just because you're you, and you cant argue the universe.

Your bulge certainly found the sight of him quite enticing. It shivered, curling around itself as it searched for friction. You wouldn't admit it, but when it slipped down as if to slip into yourself, you shivered hopefully undetectably- he was too busy trying to calm his flustered state anyway. Thankfully, too, because the gesture was an all-too-familiar one; you often pailed yourself thinking of him, pretending its not your bulge inside you but rather his. You never thought this would actually happen.

You climb back over top him, way too close for his comfort if he had been in the right mind. But if he had been, you wouldn't hear those sweet, animalistic noises he was making, wouldn't smell his delicious arousal scent. You wouldn't trade this for the world. This was worth everything, even your existence. No one else had seen him like this, and they never would. He was yours, finally.

He wraps his arms around your neck, bringing his face up to seal his lips to yours. He kissed you in a heated, needy way. As if he would die without your kiss. You kiss back, of course you would. Your bulge strains for his nook, so you let it squirm its way across his thighs, leading it to him. He keens against your lips, wrapping his legs around you. You push the tip in, breath hitching slightly when you realize just how hot he is. 

He broke from your lips with a quiet keen, rutting his hips closer to yours, trying to get as much of you in him as he could. The fleeting thought strikes you that because he's so small, you were going to rip him in half with your seadweller bulge. That's the issue you have with the spectrum; you're so afraid you'd harm him with any wrong move.

"Oh, Cronus, **please**!" He cried out, once again rutting against you. You, of course, comply, pushing more of yourself into his moist nook. He moans happily, nodding enthusiastically, while you groan out. Your fins flutter, gills trying to draw in more air than they are. He's so hot around you, clenching and pulsing every so often.

You thread a hand into his hair, getting a loose grip as you rock your hips to get yourself deeper while pleasing him. He trills, chirps, and moans, back arching just a bit. Hes so flustered, his candy blush is over his cheeks, on his ears, and spreading down his neck. He's a beautiful sight, and you barely blink. Its as if you're subconsciously afraid you would miss a moment and he would be gone.

You roll your hips, testing the waters in a sense, before building a steady pace. He rocks upward against you every so often, lost in bliss. He's a mess of pleasured noises, and you smile. You caused this, you made the mess he was now. You can't help but worship his body; you know you're not 'supposed' to, but how could you not? He's beautiful and he's **yours**. 

You're not sure how long he lasted, but before you knew it, he was panting and trilling. He opened his eyes- a stunning color, enough to make you melt- and you knew before he even attempted the words 'I'm close'. You kiss up his neck, gently, occasionally flicking your tongue along the gill-less skin.

He arches his back, and he's gone. Red spills between your bodies, onto the sheets. The way he clenches around you is enough to send you over your edge. You-

 

 

You jolted awake, in a cold sweat. Your bulge is writhing in your boxers, and you sigh. It was a dream. It will never happen. You know this, so why does this keep happening? No matter. You sigh, getting out of the dirty cocoon of blankets on the floor. You figure now's a good time to take a shower; you never touch yourself anymore. There's no point.

You step into the icy water, feeling it prick and burn your cold skin.


	10. Chapter 10

It had been a good hour before Porrim came around. You had stepped out of the shower, free of your bone-bulge, and had once again allowed your violet hue to spill to the floor. No one knew about your problem, no one would care either. After all, you were the "bully" to Mituna, you ruined Kankri, you hit on everyone. None realized most of that had been to pretend to be fully pieced together, as if you hadn't been shattered and thrown together haphazardly.

As much as you hate it, you can't forget that memory. You remember it to every last detail; every crack in the wall, every smell, every touch. You couldn't get rid of it, and you hated it. Because, as much as you wished you could forget it, he already had. And somehow, **you're** the bad guy.

No matter, its not relevant anyway. Because you're just the bad guy, the guy who isn't supposed to be happy. And you're doing a great job at the later point. 

You're currently on your couch, wearing a relatively clean pair of boxers since Porrim was supposedly coming over. Honestly, you doubted it, but you'd rather not have to listen to her scream at you.

You drag the blade across your arms again. It doesn't hurt, nothing "hurt" anymore- not physically at least. Blood pools from your arm, dripping onto the stained, bloody couch and floor. Rusted violet stained almost everything in your hive; just showing how much you didn't care. You cut your fin a bit, a small flinch jolting through you. Oops. 

You shrug; you don't care what you cut, and those damn fins are useless anyway. Might as well cut them off fully. You smile, entertaining the thought for a moment or two. Your horns are pretty useless too, you could get rid of those. Then, your gills...

Just as you entertained this thought- just **how** would you look without them?- Porrim chose that moment to enter. You hadn't even heard her knock. You look up, eyes blank and dull, as she looked down at you. Hers were wide, and she was speechless. Probably shock. Any moment now it will wear off and she'll walk out. You know it.

So, of course, what she did next astounded you.

Instead of turning on her heel and walking out, returning to her hive to forget about you, forget this ever happened, she looked around your hive. She placed a hand on your arm, above your handiwork, and took the violet-stained knife from your hands. She then made her way- rather quickly, despite never being inside before- to the bathroom.

A moment later, she came back out with bandaging. Huh. You didn't even know you had that. She's surprisingly gentle, despite the occasional tight wraps and tugs. You never knew she could be like this. Caring toward you, worried even. Like you were someone worth her worry or her care. And the way she looked at you, eyes filled with pity- and not the red kind either- made you want to disappear. No one should feel anything but hatred for you; and not the pitch-hate either. The platonic hate, the hate that means **hate**.

She sighs once done, looking up to meet your eyes. You, however, can't look her in the eyes; instead, you look away. Your fins are pinned to your head, showing your guilt. You hate how expressive they are. You once again think about chopping them clean off.

"Cronus."

Her voice was soft, but in no way weak. It took you by surprise. She sounded so different than on the phone. She reaches up, gently grabbing your face. She tilts your head down, forcing you to look at her. Guilt shows in your dull eyes.

"Don't hurt yourself like this. It won't help a thing." She's right, you know she is. So you just nod numbly. It's all you can do. She smiles sadly.

"Now come on, let's figure out how to save Kanny..."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning;  
> This chapter contains graphic rape/noncon scenes. It doesn't have major plot detail. Any plot will be summed up in the next chapter summary.  
> Do not read if you are uncomfortable with or triggered by rape.  
> This is not a joke.

_You couldn't help yourself._  
_Its not your fault._  
_It really isn't._

_...Right?_

 

 

Thoughts like that constantly plagued you. It really wasn't your fault. But now? Now you really didn't care. Nothing mattered to you right now.

You had found an old stash of yours and, well... You guess you relapsed. Didn't bother you, not when the wall was staring at you like that, rusty violet splatters seeming to shimmer in the compromised light of your hive.

A small sound, one that could only be described as a giggle, slipped past your lips, but it didn't bother you too much. Caring was so much work. And work was too much.

Too much, too much. Everything was too much. You'd be dead right now if breathing wasn't automatic.

Then, all at once, that memory hits you. It's too much for you. You shake, eyes wide as you grip your hair, all but ripping it out of your scalp. Anything to distract you.

You can't call for help, you're drowning. No one's there, no one's ever been there. You've always known that. So why does it hurt so goddamn much?

Fresh violet tears roll down your cheeks, just like that time. You can feel him there, sense his presence. You shake violently, curled unto yourself in a mess on the floor. You've knocked your stash over, withered bulbs scattering across the floor.

You couldn't bring yourself to care.

Not when he's _there_ , next to you. You could _smell_ him. He's real, he's there, he's going to shatter you into a million pieces and this time you won't be able to pretend like you're still whole. You're broken glass, ready to shatter again at the slightest touch, his touch.

It's all too real, too crisp, too _there_. You don't know why he's in your home, your room, on your bed. You mean to tell him off, to kick him out, but something's... different about him. Never mind, this was your home, not his, and he had no _right_ to be here.

You approach the bed. It was the worst mistake of your life.

He grabbed your wrists, he's grab _bing_ your wrists. You're held down all over again, pinned down rather easily. You're weak, you're stunned, you're scared. And he's smirking, he was smirking, and you're so fucking confused! What's real?

He's holding you, pinning you, to the bed, and suddenly he's grinding on you. You whimper, your eyes widen. You know what he wants. 

You struggle, wishing you weren't so weak. Your hand gets cut on something; that's new, that seems different. It's not real.

Relax, he tells you, It'll be over in a moment. You're making this worse for yourself.

Perhaps he's-  
No.

He's not right!

You once again struggle get free, how could you not? He doesn't like it, however, and grinds his kneecap roughly into your sheathe. It's nothing but pain and you cry out, tears running harder down your face.

He doesn't care, no one cares. No one ever will. 

He forces your legs apart, but that isn't enough for him. He restrains your arms, freeing his hands. One wrapped firmly around your neck, choking you till you can't breathe and you're gasping like a fish. The area around your gills turn purple, though you can't see. You can't see anything through the blurry lenses your tears provided.

Before you could register where his other hand had gone, he's removed your pants, practically ripping them off your frame. He tossed your sweatpants aside, clearly not caring where they land. You shut your eyes tightly, wishing you could shut this out. Your breathing is compromised and you can't think straight enough to tell him to get off. 

He removed his jeans and tossed them aside, in easy reach. Of course he would. You know he didn't care you didn't want this, and you knew he certainly wasn't going to stay after he was done with you. 

The hand around your throat tightened to the point your earfins rang and your gills struggled to take in oxygen in replacement for your nose. They didn't help much. His other hand ripped your boxers off your body, not bothering to remove the torn fabric before he dropped his own. He squeezed again and your eyes were forced open to take in the sight of his unsheathed, dripping bulge. You couldn't see his nook, not like this.

He didn't bother prepping you. He merely yanked your hips up, enticing a half-squeak from you, and forced his bulge into you. Your nook wasn't wet; the only lubrication was from his bulge, the same one stretching you and ripping you to the point of tears. More tears, that is.

Violet dripped from your nook, but you knew it wasn't genetic slurry. He tore you, and you were bleeding on him. His dominant smirk told you he knew this as well. For cod's sake, you weren't even unsheathed; how could you possibly be wet, find pleasure?

Pain unlike anything you've ever experienced burned it's way up your spine in the most excruciating way possible, and you let out a strangled cry, wishing someone- hell, _anyone_ , really- would stop by and hear you, save you. You know that's not going to happen though. Your friends barely paid any attention to you; you were the quiet one, the one that stood awkwardly at the edge of the group.

You never thought he, of all people, would do this to you.

Your pain didn't seem to faze him. He merely snickered, asked you if it felt that great, then called you a bulge slut. Being called a bulge slut didn't hurt nearly as much as your nook, even if you've never pailed anyone before. He took you, took your virginity, took your pride, your dignity, and was clearly enjoying seeing you squirm and suffer under him.

You didn't care if you were pathetic; you started pleading breathlessly for him to stop. He paid you no head as he started thrusting into you, barely giving you any time to adjust. You didn't know if he was big or small for a troll his caste, but he felt huge. Your nook instinctively tried pushing him out, but he was unfazed by your pitiful attempts to save yourself. You were close to blacking out, but of course he had no intention to let that actually happen.

Your nook felt like it was on fire, and each time he began pulling out to force himself back in, more violet blood dripped to the sheets. Your head pounded, your lungs screamed for air. Every time you thought you'd finally pass out and not have to suffer, he let go of your gills. Air hit you like a truck and you wheezed. You would get maybe two or three excruciating breaths in before he choked you again.

You wanted to give up, but you couldn't help but try freeing yourself despite your severely limited movement. Your bulge made its appearance not because of any sort of arousal, but to try forcing his bulge _out_. It curled around the base of his, yanking at it to try pulling it out. He didn't appreciate that. At all.

He gripped your bulge, tighter than you thought possible, and yanked it away. His claws dug into it, drawing yet more violet blood as you convulsed in his grip. Your throat was raw from screaming and you could only let out mere whimpers and broken sobs. He merely hissed at you, telling you not to fight it or he'd make it so much worse for you.

You don't know how long it took before your body shut itself down; his noises were just that- white noise ringing in your ears- his body fuzzing and the world went grey. You numbed, being forced into a state of semi-consciousness that spared you from him. When he noticed, though you couldn't feel it, he left scratches, bruises, bites and hate-marks on every inch of your neck, chest and legs. 

 

When he finally reached his end, he came into you, filling you with his warmer- but only slightly- slurry. He kept his bulge inside you, long enough for your seedflaps to swell with the sheer amount of material forced inside you. He pulled out only when you visibly swelled and squirmed, beginning to come out of your almost comatose like state. What wasn't absorbed spilled out as his bulge finally left and resheathed.

His warmth suddenly disappeared, sending you in almost violent convulsions. Your eyes, just beginning to turn violet as you reached the age of adult molting, stared blankly at the walls. Your fins were pinned back, stuck in the submissive position as you curled unto yourself, then leaned over the side of the mattress to puke.

 

 

You force your eyes open, staring blankly up at the wall. You were in a cold sweat, colder blood dripping from the cut on your hand. You were still as clothed as you had been; your slightly oversized shirt and loose fitting violet boxers still right where they were. You weren't filled with his slurry. He was never there.

You shook, curling up and holding your hair tightly. Hot tears rolled down your cheeks as you sobbed, trying to force the memory away. 

You didn't notice Porrim, who had decided to stop by just then, standing in utter shock in the doorway. You didn't hear her quick footsteps, the quiet scoff at the smell of weed, at the smell of _you_. You flinched when you felt her pull you close to her, but you let her pet your hair as you instead clutched to her dress as you broke down completely, unable to tell her what was wrong. 

She didn't press you, instead she held you and let you cry your violet tears, petting your hair gently to soothe you like a mother would. 

"Shh.. It's okay, Cronus." She murmured. And you actually began to calm down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I...  
> I am so sorry.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only plot in the previous chapter was Porrim finding Cronus after reliving bad memories. She helped calm him down.

You didn't expect her to still be here. Nor did you expect the room clean. Well, cleaner.

You apparently passed out after clutching to her dress and sobbing your blood-pumper out. You just remembered her soothing words, her fingers petting through your hair. She shooshed you, papping you as gently as she would've a palemate. You never experienced anything like that before, never felt a soothing touch like this since... you couldn't remember.

Needless to say, you passed out like a wriggler.

When you woke up, it took you a moment to recognize your surroundings. You looked around, realizing you were still on the floor but your head was resting on her lap. You looked up at her; her eyes were closed and she appeared to be asleep.

You then sat up, looking around the room. She had apparently made herself busy while you were out. The remains of your stash had been picked up and, surprisingly enough, put back in the bag and set aside on your end table next to your bubbler and pipe. 

She had also wrapped your hand up. You still don't know what you cut yourself on, but you weren't too worried. You clenched your hand into a fist; it was sore and still kind of hurt, but you could deal with it. You've been through worse.

Apparently she _attempted_ getting some bloodstains off the floor, but you've been spilling your royal hue too long for it to come out of the floorboards. 

You looked back up at her, frowning faintly. You were certainly grateful for everything she's done for you this far, but it still left one question- why. Why now? Why was she bothering with you? No one's ever bothered before. You're nothing but a fuck up. Hell, even the one troll who took everything from you didn't remember what he did. Sure, the forgetting thing wasn't his fault, per se, but that didn't really change anything. You're still broken.

Broken. You hate that word. Hell, 'hate' was too weak a word. 'Despise' was more like it. You despised the word with everything you had.

Porrim stirred, making a small noise and ultimately dragging you out of your thoughts and self hatred. You frown deeper, hesitating a moment before you reached a hand up and touched her cheek. She stirred again, one white eye opening slightly.

"Porrim?" You asked softly, which resulted in a small noise of acknowledgement from her. "I appreciate the fact that you're still here an' all, but... vwhy?" 

She groaned softly as she stretched, then rubbed the sleep from her eyes with her palms. "Because you need someone," she replied, a little bit more awake than before. "You're not living healthily by yourself." She hesitated before continuing, "I worry about you."

That took you back; you never expected anyone to worry about you.

"You... do?" You sounded rather dumb- that's what she said, why question it? Even if she was messing with you, at least she was there. She nodded, standing to stretch out her back. You could hear the pop of her joints.

"Yes, Cronus." That fire sparked in her eyes again, making them light up with determination. "You and me, we're going to get Kanny back the way he was. Then we'll all be able to move on, forget this mess ever happened." She sounded so confident, you couldn't help but nod and believe it. No wonder Kankri had her as a moirail. 

She hugged you, which astounded you, and you hugged her back. You felt safe with her. Which, in a way was rather ironic- she had punched you quite a few times in the sheath or jaw for hitting on Kankri and "crossing the line".

You couldn't help but cling to her like a wriggler to its lusus. She merely rubbed your back through your shirt. You realize you need another shower. She doesn't seem to mind, however. She's probably saving face though. No matter.

You finally pull away, offering her some sort of meal like the gentletroll you wished you were. She accepts and you walked to you admittedly neglected kitchen to make her something to eat.

 

 

That night, she stayed over to make sure you were alright and nothing happened to you.

It was the start of your moiraillegiance.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short; this is more a filler chapter than a full one. The next chapter will be started later today.

She insisted on staying with you. Okay, more like you staying with her. No matter how many times you insisted you were fine, that you wouldn't do anything stupid, she refused. So now you were stuck, helplessly watching her bustle about your admittedly disgusting hive. 

"Cronus, how could you live like this?" Porrim asked for probably the third time in an hour. "It's horrid." She folded a few clothes, placing them in a shopping bag to be washed later when the two of you got to her hive- your temporary new home until everything worked out.

"Thanks, Por," you sigh once more, tapping your cheek with an admittedly long nail. You were tired; scratch that, you were _always_ tired. She merely sent you a disapproving glance that softened after a moment. She set whatever she was holding down- you stopped paying attention- and hugged you. You hesitated before hugging back, a part of you still thought she was just playing with your feelings. 

"I know things are rough," She started, though it was an understatement, "But we'll get through this." You nod silently, and she pressed a light kiss to your temple. Past you probably would've tried flirting, maybe risking an actual kiss, but you guess that you was, in a sense, dead. She smiled faintly before getting back to work. This time you helped out; she shouldn't do everything, that's how a moiraillegiance turns sour- not pointing fingers here, but you could teach Eri a thing or two.

You chuckle halfheartedly at the thought, getting up from your worn, stained couch to lend Porrim a hand. She smiled at you, a full one this time, and told you what she needed done.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a few days before you could adjust fully to the new surroundings. Porrim's hive was as clean as it always had been, not that you had frequently came before- nor stayed for long; your presence was, and most likely still is, less than desirable. You always knew that. 

Staying here reminded you of your wriggler days- days when you were so much more different than you were just a sweep ago. Her hive never truly changed- There was always the main room of the hive, where you enter the jade-tier residential building. The main room was jointed by a living space, with a couch and chairs and everything else a proper 'family room' would have. Off the living room was a kitchen area and jointed dining area. On the other side was a side room where she preferred to store various materials for the clothes she created; though her production rate had dropped dramatically since her moiraillegiance with Kankri was cut off. Toward the back of the building was wear the respiteblocks and abultionblock was located; the bedrooms and the bathroom as you preferred to call them. The guest-recooperacoon's slime was a bit stale, but it was certainly better than a cocoon of blankets- Porrim had to force you to sleep in a coon again the first two days.

 

The nostalgia hit you like a ton of bricks as you sat on the side of the couch. You looked around the room with almost-tears, biting the inside of your cheek. Memories flooded you of your childhood with Kankri, even if this place in itself wasn't ever really a big part of it. Part of yours, that is. Kankri always wanted to take you inside to play with Porrim, who'd always accept you even if you were a little odd. 

You never really hung around here because of the jadeblood's lusus- you were always kind of scared of the virgin Mothergrub, even if she posed no threat to you. It didn't matter; you stayed around the ocean or ran through the streets with Kankri and even sometimes Porrim. 

Those were the days you were in love with stories of wizards and magic and beasts unlike anything you've yet seen. You had a violet cape around you everywhere you went, and more often than not you wore a 'wizard's hat' as you liked to call it. You carried a 'wand' everywhere, it was practically glued to your hands even when tumbling about or playing hide-and-seek with the eleven other trolls you liked to hang out with.

You were all so young, so innocent.

You almost forgot what had happened to change how it was- how you were.

Your face fell into a distant look and a frown pulled your lips as you relived that memory, the one that seemed from so long ago.

 

_"Cronus!" Kankri's voice made your fins perk up and your lips to pull into a smile. Looking up, you saw the familiar red-sweatered kid strolling up to you with an open expression. You could read him like a book._

_"Yeah, Kanny?" You questioned, tilting your head to the side. He never minded the nicknames, in fact they usually brought a smile to his face. This time, however, he frowned. It was a strange look on him; you always saw him smiling or at the very least some level of happy. A frown meant sadness._

_"Cronus, I respect your interests and everything-" His voice had already begun getting that holier-than-thou tone to it, and he had been maturing much faster than you thanks to his mutant blood. He had begun drawing himself up with more assertion, becoming more confident and even demanding as the days, weeks, months passed by. You still stuck with him, however. He was your friend and you loved hanging out with him._

_That was before you were mature enough to develop red feelings for him, before you could develop any feelings for him besides considering him your best friend._

_"But I must recommend, in your best interest, that you start maturing yourself. After all, we're all getting older now, and it's only fitting we mature accordingly. You seem to be just as childish as you were a sweep ago." You frown, thinking over what he'd said. He thought you were too childish...? Did that mean he didn't want to be your friend anymore?_

_"VWell... vwhat do you think I should do? This is vwho I am, Kanny." You mutter, looking down at the ground. He beamed, taking that as a que to help change you._

_"It's quite simple, Cronus! All you have to do is get out of this wizard phase, you've been in it long enough. Once you're done with them you can mature like the rest of us!" What he didn't realize was that you took that as saying you weren't right the way you were._

_Well, if Kankri wanted change, you weren't going to deny it from him. He was your best friend. You didn't want to lose him over something so... silly, like wizards. Besides, he was right, wasn't he? He had told you wizards weren't real._

_You nod, taking off the cape that was practically an extension of your collarbone, letting it pool to the floor. His smile was wide, his eyes sparkling that dark hue that signified he hadn't reached the age of adult molting- none of you were, not yet. Even he still had sweeps before his body was ready to molt._

_"This is going to be great, Cronus, you'll see. We'll have so much fun."_


	15. Chapter 15

Your eyes were cast down to the sidewalk as you walked with Porrim. The two of you had had no luck so far finding Kankri, and you were having doubts that you'd ever find him. You knew you were being pessimistic but you couldn't help yourself. You couldn't help the thoughts running through your head.

What if you two were too late? What if he was hurt, or dead, or in trouble, and you couldn't help him? This was all your fault in the first place, if you'd just kept your habits to yourself none of this would have happened. You couldn't even remember how you started in the first place. Not that it really mattered at this point, you had fucked up and you knew it.

The first place you two had checked was Kurloz's hive, since it was along the way. Porrim, obviously, did the communicating. He didn't particularly like you, considering how you always acted around his moirail. Which, you couldn't really deny, you treated him like shit. That, and the fact you never bothered to learn sign language since he cut his tongue out and sewn his lips shut, plus his kitten going deaf.

He'd told you- well, Porrim, then Porrim told you- that he hadn't seen Kankri for weeks. Which, you'd been expecting. He also said the last time he saw the redblood, he'd had some ivyblood on his arm, fawning over him. Kurloz had thought they were matesprits at first, but soon realized it wasn't any quadrant at all. He didn't really care though, so he hadn't talked to them or anything.

Unfortunately Meulin wasn't there, so you couldn't ask her if she'd seen him too.

 

You were relieved when you two had finally left; the entire time you were there you'd felt almost cold, spindly fingers around your pan. Which you wouldn't have doubted Kurloz was using his voodoo magic on you.

 

The next place you two had stopped by was Aranea's place. She seemed uneasy when you first greeted her; she'd been studying and wasn't expecting anyone to come over. She was willing to help you though, as much as she could, but she hadn't seen Kankri in a few months, and she couldn't think of where he could've been. You said it was fine and that the help was appreciated before you and Porrim left, debating where you two should go next.

You suggested the Grove; a small area you and Kankri had found sweeps ago, while you two were barely older than wrigglers. You doubted he'd remember ot but it was on the way to Kankri's hive and you saw no reason you _couldn't_ check. Porrim agreed, and you took the lead.

 

_"C'mon, Kanny, just a little more and then vwe'll turn back!"_  
_"Promise, Cronus? We're getting pretty far from the main paths . . ."_  
_"Yeah, I promise. Besides, I think I see somethin' just up ahead!"_

 

_". . . Woah-"_

"Woah . . ."

Porrim's voice was hushed, barely audible even to you. Her eyes looked over the secluded spot you'd led her to, which you and Kankri had always simply called the 'Grove'. The lichen and moss-covered trees had ivy and every so often there were willows, the greenery provided a nice curtain to the rest of the heavily wooded area. A clear pond sat in the middle of the clearing, the small waterfall from the mountains behind it kicking up a small mist over the water. Small fish swam in it, and non-predetorial birds hung out in the trees and on the ledges.

It was how it's always been, even when Kankri stopped coming and you started doing recreational activities here.

"This is the 'grove' you were telling me about?" Your moirail's voice interrupted your thoughts and you nodded, turning to her. 

"It is. I . . . vwas hopin' by some off chance he'd be here but . . ." You trailed off, frowning to yourself as you looked around. She placed a hand on your shoulder, smiling faintly. 

"Don't worry, Cronus, we'll find him. Let's go, we still have enough time to check his hive before we need to head back."

You could only nod, taking one last look around the Grove before turning and leading her back out, along the shortcut you'd found to Kankri's hive. Once you were close to the area she knew by heart she took the lead again, keeping her head held high. 

 

When you two had gotten to Kankri's hive, however, she froze in the doorway; the door had been unlocked and when you looked over your shoulder, your cold blood turned to ice.


	17. Important note

I've been finding it hard to write anything lately, although as some of you may or may not know, I've recently gotten into eddsworld, as you can see by 'Consequences of a stupid mistake'. I currently have another in the making, entitled 'a pilot and his copilot', which I will be focusing any and all writing motivation into.

Needless to say, I've grown apart from the Homestuck fandom; it's lost it's charm. As a result,I doubt I will be finishing 'What have I done to you'. I do not wish to simply abandon this work, as it does hold at least some sentiment value to me.

It is doubtful I will ever complete this. It will remain 'incomplete' on the work, however, do not bet too much on it being completed. I never intended for this to be as long as it is.

I'm greatly sorry it had to end like this; if I had more of chapter sixteen written I would post it, but it really would just be a dick move.

 

Until next time

-Cy


End file.
